Thursday, 27 September 2012

Reading, Recording, and trying to fit Living in there too somewhere!

I am really struggling with the concept of a blog.
I am supposed to be back to work full time (from home, as my employer is a godsend allowing me to migrate the office to my living room!) on October 1st and ... the idea is terrifying me.
But add to that the fact that this means it has been over FOUR MONTHS since my beautiful daughter was born - and I've managed to write down HALF of her birth story - leaving out the part where she was actually born! - and a hopefully lighthearted anecdote about attempting to converse with a stranger in a casual way.
I read a LOT of blogs.  I have easily ... 400 in my google reader list?  And I am increasingly aware of the fact that while there is a lot of good content on there - I have every thing from foodie/recipe blogs, attachment & RIE parenting blogs, mama blogs, craft blogs, etc. - more and more while I am reading it, it's more so that I can check off the counter of 'unread' blogs, like it's some kind of weird computer game that I'm playing.  "GOTCHA!" I think when I've finished off a folder that previously said "17 Unread".  I don't know how much I'm getting out of it.  And even worse, sometimes I'm not just using it as a oddly competitive reading game - sometimes I'm reading it and thinking "wow, I am completely inadequate."  Hard NOT to feel inadequate as a mother, as a creative person, as a 'balancing work and life' person ....  Some of these women have three kids - five kids - and they still manage to run a graphic design business AND create crazy harvest centrepieces made of those cute little decorative squashes.
D'you know what I did to "update" my mantle for fall?  I bought a green candle from the dollar store and wrapped the bottom of it with festive fall-coloured paisley ribbon.  I moved some other stuff off the mantle and now, well, it actually looks worse - less balanced, not enough tall stuff.  But I am also working (part-time now, ramping up to fulltime in a few short days - *eek*!) and mothering and dog walking and ... sigh.  It doesn't seem like an excuse given the super moms whose blogs I check off in a mad game of reading steeplechase every morning.

But one thing IS really bothering me.  The fact that my daughter is four months old and I have yet to create a record for her.  I have a bunch of notebooks that were originally destined to be scrapbooks.  I am religiously collecting the ultrasounds (of which I have many, owing to extended hospital stays) and still have our matching hospital bracelets.  And whenever she does something - makes that contented little humming noise while she's sleeping - I think to myself - I have to write that down in the book.  Or the blog.  I have to write that down.

Then I think, I don't have time to write that down.  I have to work.  And fix the damn mantle!  And sit here and soak up every second of breastfeeding and bonding because otherwise our bond will be broken and she'll be four years old and kicking me in the shins when I don't give her cookies and won't care even if the kicking brings tears to my eyes because we don't have a bond!!

This is hysterical thinking.  I recognize that.  So I am making a vow.  To be imperfect.  To have an ugly mantle and no time but still take a few minutes at LEAST once a week to write a note about my baby.

So here's this week's list:

She's four months old now.  Still not sitting up on her own although she loves to sit on my lap facing out and look at everything.  She can roll onto her side but is mostly content to lay on her back under her lion (stuffed baby toy) and tell him stories about her day.  The more stressful the day, the more animated the story.  Also the more stressful the day, the more time she'll spend trying to suck his feet.
She's sleeping through the night - or was until about a week ago - I got from about 10 pm to 4 am (yes, I call that "through the night").  Very recently she's started waking multiple times in the night to nurse voraciously.  I went on the mini-pill about a month ago and noticed a distinct drop in supply about 10 days ago, so I think the problem is that she's just not filling up as much as she used to in the evenings in order to fortify  herself for a long night of sleeping.
And ... here's where the imperfection comes in.  I hear her waking up in the next room again after her early-morning nap.  So ... off to collect my sweet baby ... more to follow on her awesomeness soon :)